bloody rose

I'm a Hello Kitty obsessed lesbian? Hadn't noticed

Cant believe he went there...
bloody rose
thexpoison

It's snowing in Hawii?!Collapse )
 
I found out my "brothers" step mom doesnt like me because Im gay. I think thats really stupid, she doesnt know anything else about me except for the fact that Im gay. He is also dating one of my closest friends and his stepmom doesnt want me over there anymore of him around me in fact, so I texted him about this yesterday. He said he couldnt do anything about it and that he was sorry. Well then he asked me how I felt about him and my friend being together and I told him I didnt really care (because I dont) I just didnt like them being all lovey dovey around me because Im still getting over Lindzi and its not easy. So he told me maybe all these breakups mean something. Me, joking around, said "Like what? Im forever alone?". When he texted back he said this word for word. Pay attention to the bold. "For one, dont doubt God. For two, he has a plan for everyone, including you. And for three maybe this is God telling you, you should be with a man like he intended. I still love you though." He really said that to me. And I just got over my dad sayin that shit to me. Well, I started crying it hurt me so badly. So when my teacher took me outside to ask me what was wrong, his girlfriend walked by and saw me. So when she asked what was wrong I told him.

When she picked him up from school she got at him about it. She didnt yell she just talked. Well, we were supossed to go prom dress shopping and she brought him with her! I was pissed at her, but she did it to show him just how much he hurt me. I was with them for six hours and the only thing I said to him in those six hours was "Touch me again, I'll come after you with a pair of rusty hedgeclippers." Needless to say, he saw how hurt I was but Im not forgiving him just yet, and I may never forgive him.

On a good note, I found the perfect prom dress guys! It's amazing and is going to look so wicked with my knee high converse's. I also had fun even though my brother was there and I was not speaking to him. We went to the playground in my neighborhood at like 8:45pm and the fence was closed so we had to hope it, and we played till nine. Then we took my brother home and me and his girlfriend and my other friend went into Wal-Mart for some nightly adventures. Oh! And his girlfriends car wouldnt start so me and and my other friend made a Indian car starting dance and actually danced around her car. Once we got done eating you would have thought we were drunk. It was so amazing though. And after we dropped him off, my brother texted his girlfriend and told her he realized just what he had done and that he knew he had lost his best friend and sister.

Oh, and I got kicked out of my French class because my teacher was calling my name and I said "What?". That was it. And he just yelled at me and told me to get out. So, my week went from great to I just wanna curl into a ball and cry.

Nervous about Festival tomorrow. My friend Matt is coming to watch me though. Which makes me more nervous. I always get more butterflies when someone I know is in the crowd. Sleeping is still off but Im getting used to it, my zombie days werent as bad as they usually are. Bad thing? Good thing?

Hope everyone had a good week! And if you didnt I hope you have a rainbowtastic weekend! I love you guys. <3

xoxoxo
thexpoison

She put me in a dress! -_-
pissed off
thexpoison
So, I hung out with my friends Matt and Francis today and we went to look for prom dresses because its coming up soon. I dont really do dresses and everyone could tell. Not to mention, I refuse to dress normal. It's just something I dont, and wont do under an circumstances and this is one of them. Plus our theme is "Once Upon A Time" so it's hard for me to find something my style that fits the theme not that I really care about the theme. Im going to wear what I want and whats my style. I found two that I really liked. One made me look like a witch, and I loved that. But I think the second one I like would go better with my shoes because Im wearing knee high converses. The second one is baby blue and its like a tutu. Matt and Francis said it's almost like a Tinker Bell kind of thing, which is funny because I love Tinker Bell. She said in the first one I had that "Yeah I look hot but I'll fuck you up if you touch me" kind of look. I want it in black but Matt thinks it should be red. I dont know.

I'm taking my friend Mouse to prom because he told me today he wanted me to take him. The only thing is Francis wants to go to a few bars after the metal show were going to (we're ditching prom a bit early) and Mouse is only 16 so he couldnt get in. But he was so excited about wanting to take me today. And I really want to go to prom with a girl. Ive stated Im not hiding who I am anymore, that includes going with a guy to prom. Granted, Mouse is like my little brother and he's one of those really short adorable guys so he looks too cute in a tux. But theres this girl that I like named Caitie but she dated one of my friends and he'd kill me if I took her to prom. Plus, she's only 14 so it would but unfair to take her. Is it bad that Id rather go alone than not with a girl? I dont know. Im doing so many things now that I could meet a girl anywhere and her just be amazing and me want her to take me to prom. I dont want to tell Mouse I'll take him and then meet a girl and not know who to take. God, I am such a lesbian. I have a date to prom and I dont want it because its not a girl.

Oh wow, my mom just told me that the school plan was passed. These people are a bunch of fucking idiots. I hate people who try and come in and change stuff that doesnt need to be changed. Thank you God I am graduating. And thanks to the dumbass superendentent, my good mood is now shot.

I'm so...gay?
rainbow eye
thexpoison
So, for the past couple of days Ive been happy and hyper as hell. And I have no clue why. Nothing has really happened. The only thing that has really happened is I havent slept much and Ive almost been late for school two days in a row. But even that hasnt made me mad. And my friend Mouse drank almost half my coffee this morning but I was still all dancey and shit. Hmm, this is really weird and new to me. Ive havent been this happy since Lindzi and I first got together. Speaking of her, Ive been thinking of her alot lately. I dont know if thats whats been making me so happy. Me thinking about her and how I felt when I was with her. You'd think it would make me cry but the good memories dont. Which was the whole relationship till she left. I miss that breathless feeling she gave me.

Anyway!!! Off her. I got invited to a picnic today at the college I might be attending. Theyre are having one to close the Cherry Blossom Festival. I hope I get to go. It would be so much fun! They even have fire works. Ive been wanting to take some pictures of them. I did 4th of July but the film wasnt in all the way so I lost all of the pictures. Hopefully, I can get some new ones then.

I'm still not getting much sleep. I need to go spend the night with a friend one weekend just so I can get some sleep. I know that sounds really bad but its the only way I'll get any sleep. If I sleep at home I wake up feeling like I didnt sleep at all. Tomorrow is my day where everything starts getting all fuzzy and it takes me longer to get stuff. I hate those days but theyre better than my zombie days. I love zombies but I dont want to be one if I can help it. And in this case I can. If the goverment does some kind of stupid testing with shit they know they shouldnt be testing with and we all turn into zombies? Yeah, see that I can not help.

Speaking of goverment, this is going to end very political. But! If Mitt Romniey or Obama is the next president....Im moving to England. Or Canada. But Brits are cooler. And sexier. So the likely hood is England.

Hope everyone has had a good monday and tuesday! Wish me luck saturday at my competetion! :D

xoxoxo
thexpoison

This week...
bloody rose
thexpoison
So, this week is going to kick my ass. Not only do I have tutoring for the Graduation test I also have my concert band competetion this saturday and my band director is going to kill us with practices. He also isnt going to let me miss any of them, which really bites because I need to go to tutoring. But we didnt go to marching band competetion and it's my senior year so this will be the last year I can go to Festival with my high school band, therefore Im not missing this.

Between band practice and doing homework and working on all my college stuff Im going to be dead by the end of the week. I'm still not sleeping very well and I need new glasses so Im getting headaches all the time and nothing helps them. This is the first time Ive actually had "march madness". This month is so busy for me. I retake the Graduation Test March 21st and we're having tutoring everyday till then. And I think we're doing the Cherry Blossom Festival (I'll explain in a second) parade so we'll be having practices for those. And the parade is March 18th.

So, the Cherry Blossom Festival is my hometowns Mardi Gras, almost. But we have a big fair kind of thing and concerts and the parade. And on the last sunday of the festival they have an arts and crafts show and food fair that has food from all over. It's really fun. And we even have people come from all over to go to it, which is cool because my town is a very small southern town. Everyone here always looks forward to it because all the cherry blossoms start to bloom and everything is pink! When I say everything I mean everything. Like the trashcans are pink, people dye their hair pink, the lines in the road that are usually yellow are pink, oh and they paint charry blossoms in the road too. My town is known for Cherry Blossom. It's everyones favorite season. My moms work a beer booth with my uncle for the festival and they bank! Everyone goes to them because they have the pink margarites haha. But this year its also during St. Patricks day so for the first saturday of the festival they'll be green.

My friend Matt keeps wanting to hang out with me, and I hate it because everytime we try and plan something something happens and we cant. But I think he is going to come keep me company during the Festival because I will be there one the week ends.

The song that I am going to put Im listening to everyone should go listen to it! It's amazing!

What do you guys have planned for the week? Hope its a good one!

xoxoxo
 thexpoison

All your insults and your curses make me feel like Im not a person...
bloody rose
thexpoison
Yes, I jacked something from Staind but it goes with this journal entry.

I know I mentioned this in an earlier entry but now I'm going to go more indepth with it because all the stuff my dad tells me is still playing in my head like a broken fucking record. And I really hate it. I really dont want to think about all the shit he says to me but I cant help it right now. I dont know why it keeps repeating but it is. Also, I really dont know why I care, I mean, he has never been there for me at all.

My parents got divorced when I was like one and a half or two because my dad cheats on every girl he dates. And I dont even remember seeing my dad till I was maybe five. Why did I not see him till I was five? Because he moved to fucking Alabama. He got as far away from us as he could. He used to come down all the time and see me, but then he promised he would come down and take me to the fair one day and I sat on the front porch till it got dark waiting on him. My mom came out and told me he had just called and said he couldnt make it. I ended up telling my mom she was lying and that I hated her for lying about my daddy. That was when it all began.

When I was eight we went up to Ohio to see my grandmother and since it was the summer we went to an amusement park. My dad and I were going to ride a roller coaster, I'd never been on one before so I was so scared. He promised he would ride it with me, well he had to do something so he left and when he got back I was already on the ride and he didnt even ask them to get me off or let him on with me. He just stood there and watched them turn on the ride and me screaming my head off and crying so loud until they stopped the ride to let me off. Now, I'm terrifed of roller coasters and if someone is going to ride something with me no matter what it is, if they have to go to the bathroom or something I get out of line and wait for them to get back.

About this time he also started calling me less. He went from calling me every day to every week to every month. But then, it stopped. He never calls me now I always have to call him and he gets mad when I dont call him. He also doesnt pay my child support. When I was in private school my tutuion was his child support well when I left he thought he didnt have to pay anymore because it added up like a savings account. He didnt pay child support from the time I was in eighth grade to my junior year which was last year. The only reason he started paying again was because my mom finally took him to court and made him pay. They took away his passport and he couldnt go on tour anymore.

Now I go to my dads house for christmas and summer break. When I'm there I never see him. He's always working and Im always stuck at home with his girlfriend who treats me like shit. She's actually told me she hated me before. And I practicly raised my baby sister Hannah because she was too lazy to do it. When I was thirteen I was woken up every morning at 5:30 to feed her and put her back to sleep. And now Im always the one to put her to sleep and give her a bath. She's only six. When I go to see my dad she doesnt want anything to do with them, she always wants me. Hannah is the only reason I go see my dad. I love her like she was my own child. I want her to know that she can be anything and it'll be okay.

I think they try and keep her away from me because they dont want her to turn out like me. They say she looks alot like me. I guess they dont want her to turn into an emo lesbian who listens to weird music and spends way too much time on the computer. I fear that my babysister will turn out to hate me when she gets older because they will have taught her that being gay is wrong. I dont want her to hate me, I would seriously die if she hated me. That little girl is everything to me. And I feel so bad because my dad never told me when her birthday was. For the past six years I havent been able to call her and tell her happy birthday because he never bothered to tell me when it was. This year I just happened to call my dad a few days after her birthday and he told me Id missed it. Well she wanted to talk to me and the first thing she said was "Why didnt you tell me happy birthday?". And I swear I was fighting back tears the whole time I was talking to her.

This summer I was engaged to a girl and my stepmom asked me if I was engaged to a girl or a boy. I was tired of hiding so I said a girl. Well, she opened her big fat mouth and told my dad. I wanted to be the one to tell him. He said it hurt him to not hear it from me and have to hear it from her. So, I was coming back home from his house he said something about it. Now, you should know it's a four hour drive from his house to where we meet my mom at. About thirty minutes into the drive he said something. I dont quite remmeber what it was, I think it was something like "Why didnt you tell me?". Well after that he said "How do you know youre gay? Have you ever had sex with a guy?" The answer to that question is hell no. Then he told me I was only gay because my mom was. And no matter how much I said I wasnt I'd been like this since I was twelve. He said "No your mom has something to do with it Jessica. You feel like you have to be gay because she is." No thats not why Im gay! What part of this are you not getting?! Apparently all of it. After this he said "I really dont care if you are Im one of the most open minded people youll meet. And as long as you are happy Im happy.".

He claims to be open minded but he hates the way I dress because it's "scary" looking. I wear skinny jeans and band t-shirts. How is that scary? Granted, some of m band shirts can be scary but at least I dont dress like a slut. But thats how he wants me to dress. He hates the music I listen to because he thinks they're all drug addicts and cut themselves. Well if that isnt judgemental I dont know what is. Not to mention, thats not being very open-minded. He ended the conversation with, "have sex with a guy and you wont be gay anymore." Are you fucking kidding me?! Who says that to their daughter?! Their fucking daughter! 

I called him Febuary 4th to tell him "happy birthday", what does he do? He bitches me out for dating Lindzi and admits that he didnt even know what it was. All of christmas break I tried to tell him about her because I was really falling for her. Everytime I tried he would change the subject. Or didnt show intrest in it at all. He is always complaining saying he doesnt know whats going on with me and that I dont talk to him. But when I try to tell him stuff about my life he doesnt listen. You cant complain when it's your fault! Instead he's going to blame me for it and say I dont talk to him.

He thinks Im gay because I feel like I need to be because my mom is, well right now he's making me feel like I have to be straight because Im so tired of hearing him bitch me out because Im gay. He cant seem to see how much he hurts me. He's my dad and he's never been here for me and only knows whats going on in my life by my facebook status. And instead of him being happy because Im almost in college he yelled at me because its an all girl school. Which makes things worse. Nothing I ever do is right to him. I make a B in a subject Im horrible in and I worked my ass off to make that B and he says "You could have made an A if you had tried harder." And now me getting into college isnt even good enough?

When will it stop? When or how can I make him see that he hurts me so much? And I shouldnt even care, but I do. Why? Because he's my dad and no matter how many hurtful things he says to me I love him. It just makes those hurtful things hurt so much more because I do love him and care so much about what he has to say. He has made me cry so many times. Even now, Im crying and Im just talking about the things he has done. And my brain is only making this worse on me because it wont shut the fuck up! All day everyday this is playing in my head. I have to plaster on that fake smile everyday at school and sometimes that gets really hard to do. Because on the inside I just want to break down and call my dad and tell him how much he hurts me and how much I feel like he really doesnt give a damn about me or my life at all. And no one knows that any of this is going on. Not even my mom. I mean, she knows about what happened in Febuary but she doesnt know its still playing in my head and that it still hurts. The only person who knows is you guys and my friend Matt will soon know because he asked me about a facebook status and I told him I'd explain.

And to make all this even worse the women who told me she hated me cared more about how things were going with Lindzi than my own dad. That, I think hurt more than anything. My dad didnt even bother to ask me if I was okay when he called knowing we had broken up. And he obviously didnt listen when we were having our conversation in the car because he started trying to tell me why I didnt like guys. I used to date guys but I wasnt fully sure I was gay yet so he thinks I caught it from someone like a disease. Sad to know my dad looks at me like that. Or to think he does anyways.

Right now, I dont know what to do. Ive never let stuff like this get to me before but it is now and I'm completely and utterly lost.

thexpoison

I've been thinking alot
bloody rose
thexpoison
So, I'm not super religious or anything, yes I believe in the big man upstairs but I'm not like Jesus freak or anything. But, do you ever get the feeling that there is someone telling you something? I feel like I'm being told to live my life one day at a time. Normally, I hate doing this. I always think about what I'm going to do before I do it and how it will affect the future. But, right now I feel like I'm getting these signals to not do that. To live in the day and not in the week or the month or the year. That scares the hell out of me though. I hate not knowing or uncertianity. And I feel like doing this will leave me not knowing and like I just stated, I hate that. Maybe I should start to do this though. Maybe it would make my life alot eaiser.

I know it would definately make my relationships alot easier. Normally with my relationships, I think about the future too much and move things way to fast. I fall for people really fast and I tend to tell them quickly as well which tends to fuck things up. So, maybe I should try what God is telling me to try but I dont know. It still scares me abit. I guess I'm just going to have to close my eyes and take the leap and pray someone is there to catch me before I hit the ground? See what happens when my mind wanders? This is what I do when I cant sleep. I think. About anything and everything. Hm, now I have no clue what I'm talking about. I think now Im just sort of rambiling. I have no clue.

Oh good news! Gay marriage may be legal in Washington state soon so pray that happens! The bill was purposed in New Jersey too but the govenor is going to deny it. Which is really sucks, but at least Washington is on board! Hopefully. I think this is really moving up in the US which I am thankful for.

xoxoxo
thexpoison


I love Skins UK
bloody rose
thexpoison
So, I watched the US version of Skins which was okay, but it could have been better. So since I had nothing better to do I decided to watch the original one and oh my god! Its fucking fantastic! I'm so addicted to it right now. Im on season 3 episode 4 so far. I love how there is a lesbian in this season. I always like the lesbians.The US version had a lesbian in the first season and she was epic. I loved her. But she ended up having sex with Tony, and then you know shit got complicated because her best friend was Michelle who was Tony's girlfriend, so yeah. I cried like ten times in the first two seasons.

I hung out with my friend Alex today which was fun. We went for coffee and just kinda walked around. I got to met his sister too. Who's actually very cute and a lesbian haha. But, I dont think she's my type. Anyway, it was good to hangout with him again though. Kinda sucked at the same time though because my friend was saying that he was looking at me like he liked me. Like alot of guys have been doing now that Im single. I dont mind the attention but, I really dont want it from men. And I hate turning them down, because I dont always tell people first hand Im gay. I mean, you want to know ask but if you dont ask them I'm not going to tell you I am.

I'm also so slack on my fiction. I havent done any writing in a week! Ugh! I got so focused on school I guess so my writing suffered. I guess I could have done it yesterday (friday), because our school had a code red. Apparently, someone brought a loaded gun to my school. Very scary. But they found it because some students reported it. Not sure if they did it to protect everyone or because you get a three hundred bucks for turning in someone with a weapon. But either way, at least they found it.

I would like to thank jokerindisguise for my virtual gift! That made me smile. I think I sent you one back and if I didnt I will go do that now. 
 
How is everyone else?

Oh! Also, before I forget. I just found out Motionless In White is going to be at Warped Tour this year and I'm so excited! I better get to go now, because I fucking love them and Im sure they have a killer set. Insane more than likely, but killer.

xoxoxo
thexpoison

Update on college
bloody rose
thexpoison
Tomorrow I'm going to take a tour of the art building at the college I want to go to. I'm very close to getting in and Im very excited. I will also be doing a interview with them soon so they can look at my photos and me possibly get a fine arts scholarship. Which would be totally awesome because this college is really expensive, probably because it's a private all girl college. Yeah, I know. The lesbian would go to an all girl school, but thats not the reason I want to go there. It's local and they have a photography program. The fact that its lesbian heaven is just a bonus. And yes I know, just because it's an all girl school doesnt mean that everyone there is gay, but I have friends who go there and the majority of them are. You never know maybe I'll find this super awesome photography major just like me who's totally my type. That would actually be amazing. Anyways, I'm trying to find something to wear because I need to look nice since I am going to be seeing my admissions counselor and my photography professor. I have to make a good impression. I think I'll wear my Beatles shirt with my black lace vest and some black skinnies. Yes, that sounds nice and still keeping my scene spin on it. Wish me luck guys!


In other news, I'm getting behind on my Hermonie/Ginny fan fiction. Granted I'm stuck on the 1st challenge. I want the thrill and suspense to be perfect and because of that I keep changing stuff. I also almost missed my first challenge because that was really tough to me and I couldnt come up with anything so my entry is probably crap. Then again, I feel like all my work is crap. I should really stop hating on my fictions. Anyways, for those of you on my flist who havent read my "Forbidden Enchantress" fiction yet, (which is my Hermonie and Ginny one you should go read it. I would love some more feedback on it. I know the majority of the people on my list read slash and write it but because you all love me you should go read it anyway.

So, you back into guys now?
pissed off
thexpoison
I just had one of my guy friends who's liked more awhile now if I were back into guys now. My reaction to this is three word. What the fuck?! -pops fingers in preperation of a rant about gayness not being a choice. (yes, I said gayness)- Now, I could say I hate it when people ask me this question, but I would be lying. Because I don't hate it. I absouletly, completely and totally destest it. Everyone just thinks we wake up one day and go, "I think I'm going to be gay today." No slick, thats not how this works. I knew I liked girls when I was twelve. Twelve! I was never "into" guys. I settled for guys because I always seemed to like the girls who were completely straight, or taken. You think people would have noticed something when all the guys I dated looked like girls. Or dressed like them. The first boyfriend I had who wasnt like this, I only dated to make a girl jealous. That plan didnt work, but it was worth a try.


Once I actually dated a girl, I for sure knew I didn't like men. Now, could I find a guy and him be totally awesome and me fall in love with him? Yes, thats possible. Why? Because you dont fall in love with someone gender you fall in love with the person. A youtube channel that I am subscribed to is called LGBTeen. They answer questions that anyone may have, they say that you can identify yourself as lesbian all day and be with a guy. I know a girl who is a lesbian and she's dating a guy. I on the other hand, know that there is only one guy I could ever see myself being with. And thats my best guy friend. Why him? Because he's great and he knows alot about me because we are best friends and we talk about everything. Not to mention, he looks like a girl. And acts like he's gay and I swear he is, but thats beside the point. I know I want to be with a girl and the only way I will ever be with a guy is if I dont have a steady relationship with a girl by 35. Why? Because I want kids damnit. All Ive ever dreamed of it being a mother, yes I would settle for being unhappy so I could have kids. I can do this with a girl its just a shit load of money. $10,000 to be exact. And it doesnt take that long to do.

But, I plan on being in a stable relationship with a girl by age 35. My best friend probably doesnt want me to, but I do. He suggested we do something like in "My Best Friends Wedding"
Short summary of the movieCollapse )

But, I really dont want to do that simply because I know him and he'll follow me and wait for me. He's already waiting for me now, hoping I just happen to fall in love with him. And I'm begining to think I totally got off subject.

Okay, back to the subject. I didn't just wake up and decide this. This has been in me since I was a exploded from the mother, but I didn't figure it out until later. Thats how I believe this works. And how it actually does work, even though people beg to differ. But those people are stupid, close-minded, asswholes. As you can tell, Im very opinionated on this subject. Then again, Im an artisty person, therefore I'm open-minded and think out of the box. Most people dont. They go by whats "normal". Define what normal is? Because everyone has their own definition of the word, no matter what the dictionary says.

Okay, I'm done with my rant for tonight. Sometimes I feel like thats all I do, but Ive learned from expericance I keep all my emotions in this little bottle inside and when that bottle gets too full, its like a bottle of coke filled with Mento's. It explodes. And thats really not good, because them I'm this little emo ball of emotions spilling out everywhere. So, if I rant about it here that bottle doesnt overflow as quickly or as much. So, it helps me out alot. Even though I'm sure you guys hate seeing me rant. Oh, by the way, did you know I'm gay?

xoxoxo
thexpoison

Is my room haunted? o.O
bloody rose
thexpoison
So, I get home from school right? And I notice that a few things are missing from the top of my computer desk, like my Joker card my dad sent me for my birthday, my Bullet For My Valentine Live at Brixton DVD, and a monster can (I collect them). The Joker card is propped open and so is my DVD. Well, it wasnt where it usually is. It was laying on my keyboard like it fell. I asked my mom if she came in my room to get something and hit my desk knocking them over. She said she didn't. Well, someone hit my desk cause those things are positioned so that they won't fall over. My moms and I have been joking about how the bat cave aka my room, is haunted. Well, now I kinda thinks its true. Because that is just to weird!

Tomorrow is Febuary 17th, the worst day in history. Why? Because a ago tomorrow God took a great man from the world. Who is this man you ask? My grandfather. My grandfather was the most incredible man you'd ever meet. He was a musican, a great one at that. He played guitar and sang. And he had an eye for the strangest things. What other people saw as trash my grandfather saw as art. Hm, I wonder where I get that from? He also was a shopoloic. He loved to shop. Ebay was his favorite place, and he bought really weird things. He liked nudes. Nude pictures, painting, sculpures, anything really. Not pornish nudes, but the art aspect of it. He's got loads of them in his basement. All in sheet protectors. And some still in the package they were shipped in. He also really like mermaids. Im not sure if it was the nude aspect of them or just because they were something he enjoyed, but he had this really cool set of door beads made out of wood that had a mermaid on them. He loved being in the basement. But his wife, my grandmother, has had five strokes so she's not the most enjoyable person to be around. I, personally dont like being around her. She scares the shit out of me. But he loved her and knew it wasnt her fault she was the way she was and he did everything for her. But when he needed to be alone and have his "me" time he would escape down to the basement with an old acoustic and play for hours.

I kinda hate to say it, but I believe my grandmother killed my grandfather. She always insisted on eating out and he had to watch what he ate because he was diabedic (I hope thats spelled right, if it's not you guys know what I mean.) He also had to watch when he ate, she knew all this. But she didnt care. She wanted to eat where she wanted to and when. She just put more stress on him and his weak heart couldnt take it. And putting a 60 year old man through open heart surgery is not the more brillant idea either. The things that hurt the most are 1) I didn't get to say goodbye. He didn't really die, they had to pull the plug on him because there was no chance of him ever leaving the hospital and he didnt want to live like that. I was at band practice since it was a thursday, and I found out when I got home. 2) I didnt go to his funeral. I can not handle funerals. The last one I went to I cried the whole freakin time and after that. We just dont mix well, but now that I didnt go I regret it as everyone said I would. They recorded it though because they said it was fun. They didnt make it sad because thats not how my granddad lived. He was always happy, always singing.

He was also so open-minded. When my mom first came out and brought her partner around my grandmother she hated it. But my grandfather? He loved my moms partner like she was his daughter as well. But thats just how he was. And even though he grew up in the time period homosexuality was very frowned upon he didnt care. My mom was happy and so were we which is all he wanted. He would always joke around with Jennifer. And give her the biggest hugs. God, he always gave the best hugs. He would give you these bear hugs and shake his butt so you kinda shook with him. I don't, just something about the way he hugged you made them the best.

I didn't get much from his passing. The only thing I have of his is his Air Force dogtag which I never let leave my neck unless Im showering, and a flannel because thats all he wore. And I have yet to wear the flannel because it still smells like him and I dont want the smell to go away, because I know I cant get it back. I miss him alot. Tomorrow is going to be rough for me. :/

Anyways, how has everyones week been? Good I hope! Love you all!

xoxox
thexpoison

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