Yes, I jacked something from Staind but it goes with this journal entry.
I know I mentioned this in an earlier entry but now I'm going to go more indepth with it because all the stuff my dad tells me is still playing in my head like a broken fucking record. And I really hate it. I really dont want to think about all the shit he says to me but I cant help it right now. I dont know why it keeps repeating but it is. Also, I really dont know why I care, I mean, he has never
been there for me at all.
My parents got divorced when I was like one and a half or two because my dad cheats on every girl he dates. And I dont even remember seeing my dad till I was maybe five. Why did I not see him till I was five? Because he moved to fucking Alabama. He got as far away from us as he could. He used to come down all the time and see me, but then he promised he would come down and take me to the fair one day and I sat on the front porch till it got dark waiting on him. My mom came out and told me he had just called and said he couldnt make it. I ended up telling my mom she was lying and that I hated her for lying about my daddy. That was when it all began.
When I was eight we went up to Ohio to see my grandmother and since it was the summer we went to an amusement park. My dad and I were going to ride a roller coaster, I'd never been on one before so I was so scared. He promised he would ride it with me, well he had to do something so he left and when he got back I was already on the ride and he didnt even ask them to get me off or let him on with me. He just stood there and watched them turn on the ride and me screaming my head off and crying so loud until they stopped the ride to let me off. Now, I'm terrifed of roller coasters and if someone is going to ride something with me no matter what it is, if they have to go to the bathroom or something I get out of line and wait for them to get back.
About this time he also started calling me less. He went from calling me every day to every week to every month. But then, it stopped. He never calls me now I always have to call him and he gets mad when I dont call him. He also doesnt pay my child support. When I was in private school my tutuion was his child support well when I left he thought he didnt have to pay anymore because it added up like a savings account. He didnt pay child support from the time I was in eighth grade to my junior year which was last year. The only reason he started paying again was because my mom finally took him to court and made him pay. They took away his passport and he couldnt go on tour anymore.
Now I go to my dads house for christmas and summer break. When I'm there I never
see him. He's always working and Im always stuck at home with his girlfriend who treats me like shit. She's actually told me she hated me before. And I practicly raised my baby sister Hannah because she was too lazy to do it. When I was thirteen I was woken up every morning at 5:30 to feed her and put her back to sleep. And now Im always the one to put her to sleep and give her a bath. She's only six. When I go to see my dad she doesnt want anything to do with them, she always wants me. Hannah is the only reason I go see my dad. I love her like she was my own child. I want her to know that she can be anything and it'll be okay.
I think they try and keep her away from me because they dont want her to turn out like me. They say she looks alot like me. I guess they dont want her to turn into an emo lesbian who listens to weird music and spends way too much time on the computer. I fear that my babysister will turn out to hate me when she gets older because they will have taught her that being gay is wrong. I dont want her to hate me, I would seriously die if she hated me. That little girl is everything to me. And I feel so bad because my dad never told me when her birthday was. For the past six years I havent been able to call her and tell her happy birthday because he never bothered to tell me when it was. This year I just happened to call my dad a few days after her birthday and he told me Id missed it. Well she wanted to talk to me and the first thing she said was "Why didnt you tell me happy birthday?".
And I swear I was fighting back tears the whole time I was talking to her.
This summer I was engaged to a girl and my stepmom asked me if I was engaged to a girl or a boy. I was tired of hiding so I said a girl. Well, she opened her big fat mouth and told my dad. I wanted to be the one to tell him. He said it hurt him to not hear it from me and have to hear it from her. So, I was coming back home from his house he said something about it. Now, you should know it's a four hour drive from his house to where we meet my mom at. About thirty minutes into the drive he said something. I dont quite remmeber what it was, I think it was something like "Why didnt you tell me?".
Well after that he said "How do you know youre gay? Have you ever had sex with a guy?"
The answer to that question is hell no. Then he told me I was only gay because my mom was. And no matter how much I said I wasnt I'd been like this since I was twelve. He said "No your mom has something to do with it Jessica. You feel like you have to be gay because she is."
No thats not why Im gay! What part of this are you not getting?! Apparently all of it. After this he said "I really dont care if you are Im one of the most open minded people youll meet. And as long as you are happy Im happy.".
He claims to be open minded but he hates the way I dress because it's "scary" looking. I wear skinny jeans and band t-shirts. How is that scary? Granted, some of m band shirts can be scary but at least I dont dress like a slut. But thats how he wants me to dress. He hates the music I listen to because he thinks they're all drug addicts and cut themselves. Well if that isnt judgemental I dont know what is. Not to mention, thats not being very open-minded. He ended the conversation with, "have sex with a guy and you wont be gay anymore."
Are you fucking kidding me?! Who says that to their daughter?! Their fucking daughter!
I called him Febuary 4th to tell him "happy birthday", what does he do? He bitches me out for dating Lindzi and admits that he didnt even know what it was. All of christmas break I tried to tell him about her because I was really falling for her. Everytime I tried he would change the subject. Or didnt show intrest in it at all. He is always complaining saying he doesnt know whats going on with me and that I dont talk to him. But when I try to tell him stuff about my life he doesnt listen. You cant complain when it's your fault! Instead he's going to blame me for it and say I dont talk to him.
He thinks Im gay because I feel like I need to be because my mom is, well right now he's making me feel like I have to be straight because Im so tired of hearing him bitch me out because Im gay. He cant seem to see how much he hurts me. He's my dad and he's never been here for me and only knows whats going on in my life by my facebook status. And instead of him being happy because Im almost in college he yelled at me because its an all girl school. Which makes things worse. Nothing I ever do is right to him. I make a B in a subject Im horrible in and I worked my ass off to make that B and he says "You could have made an A if you had tried harder."
And now me getting into college isnt even good enough?
When will it stop? When or how can I make him see that he hurts me so much? And I shouldnt even care, but I do. Why? Because he's my dad and no matter how many hurtful things he says to me I love him. It just makes those hurtful things hurt so much more because I do love him and care so much about what he has to say. He has made me cry so many times. Even now, Im crying and Im just talking about the things he has done. And my brain is only making this worse on me because it wont shut the fuck up! All day everyday this is playing in my head. I have to plaster on that fake smile everyday at school and sometimes that gets really hard to do. Because on the inside I just want to break down and call my dad and tell him how much he hurts me and how much I feel like he really doesnt give a damn about me or my life at all. And no one knows that any of this is going on. Not even my mom. I mean, she knows about what happened in Febuary but she doesnt know its still playing in my head and that it still hurts. The only person who knows is you guys and my friend Matt will soon know because he asked me about a facebook status and I told him I'd explain.
And to make all this even worse the women who told me she hated me cared more about how things were going with Lindzi than my own dad. That, I think hurt more than anything. My dad didnt even bother to ask me if I was okay when he called knowing we had broken up. And he obviously didnt listen when we were having our conversation in the car because he started trying to tell me why I didnt like guys. I used to date guys but I wasnt fully sure I was gay yet so he thinks I caught it from someone like a disease. Sad to know my dad looks at me like that. Or to think he does anyways.
Right now, I dont know what to do. Ive never let stuff like this get to me before but it is now and I'm completely and utterly lost.thexpoison